Ask Lynn - This Week’s Column

When we die, each of us will leave our loved ones something different. Some may hand over the keys to an oceanfront estate or a first-floor condominium with lots of closet space. Others may pass along a modest Individual Retirement Account or binders of rare stamps that took years to lovingly collect.

Many Americans wisely spend a great deal of thought on how this sad transition will take place, which is why I write columns about such things as inherited IRAs and other estate planning issues. But regardless of someone’s net worth or the ability to hire an attorney or investment advisor to sort through these issues, there is a slip of paper that just about anybody should leave behind: an ethical will.

An ethical will is definitely not a legal document. It’s about as official as an envelope you might use to scribble down what you need to get at Von’s. An ethical will is simply a letter that you write that captures a part of you, perhaps your very essence, that won’t be found in any formal estate plan.

An ethical will provides you with the opportunity to leave a spiritual legacy to your family. In writing one, you can share your values and beliefs, as well as your regrets and the joys you experienced in your life. You may wish to remember family stories and jot down your aspirations for those who will ultimately read your letter. Some people also use an ethical will as a way to forgive others. An ethical will can also provide a sense of completion in the lives of those who create one.

One of the nation’s biggest proponents of ethical wills is Barry K. Baines, M.D., who is a hospice administrator in Minneapolis and the author of
Ethical Wills, Putting Your Values on Paper. Before he had ever heard of the term, Baines received an ethical will in the early 1990s from his father, who died of lung cancer. Over the years, he has read his dad’s letter repeatedly and each time he does, he can hear his father’s voice. In 1999, Baines launched a web site, EthicalWill.com, for people interested in creating their ethical wills. Visits to the web site exploded after 9/11 and have continued to skyrocket.

“An ethical will helps you identify what you value most and what you stand for, Baines says. “By articulating what we value now, we can take steps to insure the continuation of those values for future generations.”

Today, most of the people who tackle writing their own ethical wills are Baby Boomers and their parents. “The most fruitful time to write one, since it’s a very reflective process,” Baines says, “is at middle age and beyond when you’ve had life experiences that give you a chance to reflect and distill.” It can also be a cathartic exercise for soldiers heading overseas.

The genesis of ethical wills can be traced back to ancient times. In the Bible, Jacob’s deathbed pronouncements to his 12 gathered sons, is considered the first ethical will. In the beginning, ethical wills were delivered orally and largely involved fathers imparting to sons moral advise and blessings, as well as pragmatic burial instructions. The oldest written ethical will still in existence was penned in the 12th century. It was around this time that the documents began containing the writers’ values and beliefs, as well as personal stories. Historians have found ethical wills belonging to women in medieval times, who were prohibited from writing legal wills.

There’s no need to worry about how an ethical will should look or feel. Anything goes since there is no correct way to construct one. The letter is often just a couple of pages long, but a few sentences can suffice. Many people tuck the letter away with their regular wills, living trusts and other estate planning papers. You may, however, wish to share your letter long before you are gone.

For many, the biggest challenge in writing an ethical will could be getting started. Because staring at a blank piece of paper can be intimidating, experts suggest a variety of ways to jump start the process.

One method is to begin answering one or more of these questions or similar ones:

* What are the lessons that you’ve learned in life?
* What are you most proud of?
* What are your biggest regrets?
* What are your spiritual beliefs?
* What will you miss most when you are gone?
* What have you learned from the most important people in your life?
* If you only had a year left to live, what would you do?

If capturing the essence of your life into words intrigues you, don’t be discouraged if you have no immediate family to share it with. Supporters of the process suggest that creating an ethical will is a real act of faith that you matter and you are connected to the rest of the world even if you don’t have a nuclear family.

My own mother would be surprised to learn that she left behind an ethical will when she died more than three years ago. Just hours after she had played tennis with dear friends during what appeared to be an ordinary winter day, she collapsed from a massive heart attack. After the funeral, my father handed me pages ripped from legal pads that my mom had used to write down her thoughts and memories. The penmanship of my mom, the consummate school teacher, was impeccable, but there were lots of cross-outs and false starts. My dad asked me to put the pages in some kind of order and type out her remembrances.

I read wonderful memories of my mother growing up in St. Louis, but what I found most touching was when she dwelled on the legacy she hoped to give to her five children. In one passage, she wrote, “To be honest, respectful, considerate, compassionate, giving and forgiving are values that were guidelines for me to live by and I have tried to pass them on. The most important of life’s challenges has been raising and passing on our values to our children. I think we have done this.”

I’m sure my father assumed that the most valuable possession I received from my mother after she died was her cameo ring, which I had admired for decades. But it was really my own mimeographed copies of these crumbled heartfelt papers.

Подаръци

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!